Remembering the good things,
Lifting them up to the light;
Putting the memory into words
So that I do not forget to remember
To be thankful
And to thank you.
Yesterday a really cool thing happened to me. Something that I have been thinking about for quite a while just came out of my mouth, articulating exactly what I was thinking and was not able to put a finger on quite what it was. I was sitting and chatting with some friends and one of my friends has an adorable one year old baby and he was grabbing things and throwing them on the ground - you know, that game that all babies love to play - and my other friend asked me if I missed the baby stage. She was being funny, because we both have school age kids and are pretty happy to be past the baby stage, so we giggled together and I said that I finally feel like I've found me again. Yes, that is it. I finally feel like I am Sheila again, that I can spend time with just me and not be overcome with guilt or worry. In fact, just that morning in church I noticed that my usual worry weight was gone! My daughter was in her class and I was not worried about her. My son was at home with my husband (the boy had a little head cold - he's into the coughing stage now) and I wasn't worried about either one of them. I felt light. I hadn't realized that this worry/guilt thing was with me all the time, ever since Sally was born. If I wasn't worried about her, I was feeling guilty that I wasn't worried about her. Or I was with her and taking care of her and responsible for her. Let me tell you, when those words came out of my mouth, inside my head I was jumping around yelling, "YES! That's totally IT! I've been in the background somewhere and now I'm back!" I think I've realized this over the past six months or so, but just yesterday I was able to put it into words.
Sunrise today was at 6:47 am. We get up around here between 6:30 and 7:00. It is such a joy to wake up with the sunrise. I was walking to the kitchen for coffee (for me) and cereal (for the kids) and I was distracted by the light. The rays of sun pouring through our front windows were spectacular. I love this. I know it won't last - daylight savings will come next month and then we'll be getting up in the dark again, but for now, it is so lovely to wake up with the sun.
Lifting them up to the light;
Putting the memory into words
So that I do not forget to remember
To be thankful
And to thank you.
Yesterday a really cool thing happened to me. Something that I have been thinking about for quite a while just came out of my mouth, articulating exactly what I was thinking and was not able to put a finger on quite what it was. I was sitting and chatting with some friends and one of my friends has an adorable one year old baby and he was grabbing things and throwing them on the ground - you know, that game that all babies love to play - and my other friend asked me if I missed the baby stage. She was being funny, because we both have school age kids and are pretty happy to be past the baby stage, so we giggled together and I said that I finally feel like I've found me again. Yes, that is it. I finally feel like I am Sheila again, that I can spend time with just me and not be overcome with guilt or worry. In fact, just that morning in church I noticed that my usual worry weight was gone! My daughter was in her class and I was not worried about her. My son was at home with my husband (the boy had a little head cold - he's into the coughing stage now) and I wasn't worried about either one of them. I felt light. I hadn't realized that this worry/guilt thing was with me all the time, ever since Sally was born. If I wasn't worried about her, I was feeling guilty that I wasn't worried about her. Or I was with her and taking care of her and responsible for her. Let me tell you, when those words came out of my mouth, inside my head I was jumping around yelling, "YES! That's totally IT! I've been in the background somewhere and now I'm back!" I think I've realized this over the past six months or so, but just yesterday I was able to put it into words.
Sunrise today was at 6:47 am. We get up around here between 6:30 and 7:00. It is such a joy to wake up with the sunrise. I was walking to the kitchen for coffee (for me) and cereal (for the kids) and I was distracted by the light. The rays of sun pouring through our front windows were spectacular. I love this. I know it won't last - daylight savings will come next month and then we'll be getting up in the dark again, but for now, it is so lovely to wake up with the sun.
5 comments:
Wow Sheila! This is one of my favorite mommy musings yet! Not just what you had to say but it was so beautifully written. Bravo, She!
Sheila, you may have been feeling a little lost, but the beautiful person you are has continued to shine and brighten all the lives of everyone you touch....especially mine.
Thanks! :)
Sheila, I understand what you mean about finding you again. It's a nice spot in the motherhood march.
See ... now here's exactly why I love daylight savings. The sunrise is in the perfect time twice as long. After that ... it gets up WAY too early!
Love your blog ... I'm one of Mary-Lue's Sleeping with Bread.
ttyl!
pam
What an absolutely beautifully written post...
Thank you for sharing what you shared.
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